Vulnerability = Freedom

We often hear the term Discipline = Freedom, and yes it’s right, you can create freedom through being disciplined with the things you have to now so you benefit later, chores, savings, diet, training etc

But something I think is often overlooked is the power of Vulnerability in creating more powerful freedoms, even though they may be less tangible than dollars in the back or a fully stocked fridge.

But let’s face it, vulnerability is a bloody scary concept and most of us spend a lifetime avoiding it or at best just hitting it at surface level.  We are truly a dichotomy as humans, we want nothing more than to be seen, yet we don’t want to be seen, as in truly seen.

We cruise through our days having brief, nothing interactions with other humans, all doing the same thing, hoping desperately that no one sees what a scrambled shitstorm we truly are.  

‘Hi, how are you?  Good?  Yeah I’m good.  Nothing new here. Same ole same ole. Ok great well take care.  Talk soon.  Bye

Sound familiar?

But then one day, out of nowhere, someone who is masterful at the art of asking the right questions will just smack you in the face with a wad of vulnerability and BAM! You’re in it and before you know it, you feel like a bottle of coke someone has just shaken up and ripped off the lid and everything comes flowing out.

When someone can ask you a question like, why is that a struggle for you, why is that hard for you, why is that a problem for you, and you realise not only have you never been asked that before but also that no one has paused to let you answer.  Instead as we so often do, providing solutions, advice, templates to respond to the question we just asked.  To fill that silent void, because well ewww that is uncomfortable.

But instead this human has lobbed that question to you and then just sits and waits for you to stumble over the truth that you know, but maybe have been denying for so very long.

For me it came in the form of my business coach (well business coach was the start, and I wasn’t aware how profoundly and deeply it would touch every part of my life).  I came in with a generic problem about getting staff onboard and working with me not battling me.

And it turned out through hours of questions, answers ( or talking around answers) to uncover what was holding me back was so much more.  And this is where vulnerability comes into play, because I had to be open to unraveling those layers in order to move forward.  And my coach had to be prepared to be vulnerable to sit in the space with me, and be open to the answers, but also without falling into the trap of enabling.  It’s a fine dance.

As humans though we often prefer to just keep dancing, keep moving and not looking behind us, or being in the silence when the music stops.  

But what if, to truly find freedom, from ourselves and all that tethers us to weights that hold us on the ground, we have to choose to embrace that silence between songs.  To be still and feel and really listen to ourselves.  That little all knowing essence that is always there when we choose to tune in.  

And that is the essence of coaching and being coached.  We understand that we all know our own answers, our own truths, but we deny them, or don’t have the trust or confidence to follow this.  We can’t even be vulnerable with ourselves.

We create, carry, and tell ourselves all kinds of stories to take us through life, narratives that suit our created realities and perception about who we are and who we be, or rather who we want the world to see us as.

And we lie to ourselves constantly, and we buy our own bullshit.  I’m pretty sure I’m not alone here.  It’s all about that self soothing.  

For years I told myself that I was everything everyone expected of me.  I followed the rules and did all the things, checked the boxes.  And even though I felt like I didn’t fit into my own life or skin, I forged ahead.  I did not hate my life, and I loved to the best of my ability and skill.  And to still struggle with the disservice that did to the people in my life.   But I still felt like I was in a size too small jacket.  It kinda looked ok but it wasn’t me.

And I am sure, well I know, many people in my life saw the jacket was too small, but no one had ever bothered to ask, why is that jacket important to you, why is it uncomfortable.

Through conversations with my therapist, and my coach (who VERY clearly saw what I wasn’t), and their patience for me to arrive at my own destination, I got there and realised the jacket wasn’t the problem, it was all the years of stuff I had ignored and quickly shoved into the pockets that was making it tight.

Once I could be vulnerable in that space and also with myself, I could truly see who I was and what I had been denying and pushing to the side for 46+yrs.

The first profoundly life changing moment came when I said to my coach ‘I think I’m gay’, to which they replied, yeah we know, but we’re glad you arrived.  

And the second was the following week when they asked me to say ‘I am gay’ and I was like Umm yeah I said that last week.  To which came back the reply ‘no you said think, you need to own it’  Oooof 

But there in that moment I felt almost weightless, and as I began the slow journey of coming out to those I trusted most, I felt lighter with each step.

And here’s the thing about true vulnerability, once you have experienced that, you can’t unsee any of that.  When you have had someone truly see you, and accept that version of you, you don’t want to go back to before.  

But I feel like through this journey I have had one foot out and owning who I am, and one foot drags a bit behind living in before land.  I feel like I have owned it but still there is a large segment of my life where I am still the old Lisa.  Walls high and they would never know anything has changed.  And rightly so to a point, how I choose to live my life is not anyone’s business but it still feels uncomfortable to be in this space.  And that discomfort has been rumbling for a little while now.  And as we often say awareness precedes action, I have felt like I wanted to say something but I didn’t know how or what.   So I just started to write and this is what came out.

Through accepting who I am, and embracing this life I have experienced true freedom of self.  I have learned how to give not only myself love and grace (this is still a work in progress), but also how to give and accept love from others.  It hasn’t been without pain, and regret for the turmoil I have brought about in the lives of others.  But I have to give myself grace and allow myself for this second part of my life to be who I am meant to be.  

Could I have done this at 20?  No, and I would not have appreciated the lessons and the growth needed to truly be in this place.  Everything I have lived through has brought me to this point where I am now.  It has equipped me with skills and lessons to allow me to navigate my way forward.

So yes, I am gay.  Spoiler alert for those that weren’t aware, but that’s ok. I have an amazing life with my amazing wife and best friend.  I am blessed by a tribe of friends who have become my family and they can truly see me for me, and I am ok with that.  I now make my own rules for what life should look like.

And I have all of this because I had someone who understood the power of vulnerability, the power of a question, and the power of holding space while I stumbled to my own truth.

Get a coach, get a therapist and create your own freedom through vulnerability.  Individual results may vary - but it’ll be worth it.