The Courage to Be Disliked
A Journey Toward Authenticity
As I reflect on my current struggles, one phrase has been rattling around my mind: the courage to be disliked. It’s an idea rooted in the teachings of Alfred Adler, a pioneering psychologist who rejected the deterministic view of cause and effect that so often governs our thinking. Adler’s work invites us to see life not as a series of linear events pushing us inevitably in one direction but as a continuous opportunity to choose our own path—to act, rather than simply react.
But let’s be honest: embracing this philosophy is easier said than done. Especially when it means disentangling ourselves from relationships that have become core to our identity, even when they’ve turned toxic.
Understanding Adler: Beyond Cause and Effect
Adler’s perspective challenges the notion that we are prisoners of our pasts. He emphasized the importance of teleology—our capacity to be guided by the purpose and meaning we assign to our lives. According to Adler, it’s not the events of our past that define us but how we interpret and use them in our present.
This insight resonates deeply as I examine my own life. For too long, I’ve been caught in a pattern of over-investing in personal relationships that are one-sided, pouring my energy into others while depleting my own reserves. I see now how I’ve rationalized this behavior: If I just give more, they’ll see my worth. If I’m always there for them, they’ll reciprocate. But Adler’s teachings remind me that this narrative isn’t a product of some inevitable cause-and-effect chain; it’s a story I’ve chosen to tell myself.
Standing Up for Myself
Learning to stand up for myself has been a seismic shift. It’s required me to face the uncomfortable truth that not all relationships are meant to last. Some connections, no matter how foundational they once seemed, can become barriers to growth. Letting go of these relationships feels like losing a part of myself—because, in a way, I am. I’m losing the version of myself who prioritized being liked over being authentic.
Adler’s concept of the “community feeling” (Gemeinschaftsgefühl) has been a guiding light here. He believed that true fulfillment comes not from seeking approval but from contributing authentically to the world. When I consider this, I realize how much of my energy has been spent trying to fit into spaces and relationships that no longer align with who I’ve become. To withdraw from them isn’t just an act of self-preservation; it’s a step toward creating the life I truly want to live.
Grieving the Loss
Of course, walking away comes with grief. These relationships weren’t just placeholders; they were integral to my life over the past four years. They were the friends I called when I needed support, the voices that echoed in my head when I doubted myself. Letting go feels like losing a safety net. But as painful as this grief is, it’s also an opportunity to honor the lessons these relationships taught me.
Adler’s insistence on purpose helps me reframe this grief. Rather than seeing it as a void, I can choose to see it as a clearing. A space where something new and better aligned with my values can take root.
Embracing the Courage to Be Disliked
What does it really mean to have the courage to be disliked? For me, it means valuing myself enough to set boundaries, even if it means disappointing others. It means accepting that not everyone will understand or approve of my choices—and being okay with that.
I won’t pretend that this journey is easy. It’s uncomfortable and lonely at times. But it’s also liberating. I’m learning to measure my worth not by how others perceive me but by how authentically I show up in my own life. I’m beginning to see that self-worth isn’t something to be earned; it’s something to be claimed.
Moving Forward
As I step into this new chapter, I’m reminded of the words Adler might have whispered: Your life is your responsibility. This is both a daunting and empowering truth. It means that the power to shape my life—to fill it with reciprocal relationships, purpose, and authenticity—lies squarely in my hands.
To anyone else struggling with similar challenges, I offer this: you don’t have to wait for permission to prioritize your well-being. You don’t have to stay in spaces that diminish you just because leaving is hard. The courage to be disliked is also the courage to be free. And freedom, I’m learning, is worth every ounce of grief.
